The Love Me Rule with a Premise and Conclusion

“I think a lot of art is trying to make someone love you.”

-Keaton

Philosophy 101 at CU Boulder has taught me two things:

1) How to sleep with my eyes open.

2) How to form an argument:

Premise

Premise

Premise

(how ever many fucking premises you feel like presenting)

Conclusion

(you may now draw a smiley face beneath your conclusion because by George you have just done some important work here my friend)

J

Never forget the smiley face.

Simple enough? Great. Want an example? Excellent.

Get ready.

I want too much from you.       (premise #1)

I lean too heavily on you.          (premise #2)

I need you too much.                  (premise #3)                                

You want her.                                (premise #4)

You lean on her.                            (premise #5)

You need her.                                (and premise number fucking 6 bitches)

I am number two. I am not chosen. You will leave me. (conclusions)

J

And there it is. There it’s been. There it will always be.

This argument has followed me around since birth.

This argument has inserted itself into every single one of my relationships.

This argument has therefore become my argument.

Well look at that folks! We just formed an argument about my argument.

Nifty shit right there.

Here, let’s add this to make it official:

J

I think you’ve got it now. You now know how to state facts and make a conclusion based on them.

Congratulations.

You’ve just graduated the second grade.

Ouch.

But don’t despair just yet friends . . .

What the second graders don’t know,

what the schools don’t teach them,

what the schools can’t teach them,

is how to accept this conclusion.

Take it from me children, it comes with time.

Well that time has come.

I’ve accepted it.

Acceptance is not as magical as it sounds, however.

The moment of acceptance came this evening on the wings of words meant for another. It put a damper on my nightly chai tea hour. It ruined my cheerful day. It prevented me from rising from the chair I saw it come in on. It thwarted my last attempt at breaking this argument, my argument. It came and showed me that the conclusion previously stated, the one above, the one that promises “you will leave me”, will never stand corrected. 

Never.

I was absolutely catatonic until you pulled me out. I was in a state of crippling numbness after all that had happened, all of the arguments that were proven to be correct. I shut off that place inside me that allows people in. I put walls up that I had no intention of taking down. 

But you took them down. 

You gave me hope that not every time would end that way. 

You made me believe that I was worthy of being chosen. 

You made me feel okay again. 

You helped me breathe again, forgetting why I had stopped breathing in the first place. 

You gave me all of these things and I am grateful.

But without realizing it, we had formed a friendship. A friendship that was much more than it was before, full of meaning and depth.

Without realizing it, I began to want you to always be there.

You were.

Without realizing it, I started to lean on you too much.

You held me up.

Before I knew it, I woke up with you lying next to me and I realized that I had begun to need you.

Shit.

I need you in my life.

Oh shit.

Not the arbitrary “oh, I need ya in my life buddy” need, but the “please do not exit this room because I am afraid I will stop breathing once you do” need.  The necessary-for-my-life need.

Oh no.

What a dangerous thing to need.

A person.

But not just any person.

You.

You had to be the one I ended up needing!

Don’t you know my arugument??

Don’t you know my conclusion??

Why would you make me need you if you knew how it would end for me?

That you would leave me.

Like everyone does.

Those words, those beautiful words had me heartbroken.

Your speech, your declaration of realization had me

down

on

the

ground.

I’ve felt this before. I’ve ignored it.

When she calls you with important news, when you call her with something ridiculously trivial.

It’s a dance I cannot dance to.

I’ve tried to join in but I just can’t learn the steps.

But I understand your words.

She’s the ying to your yang.

I know the depth of feeling you have for her.

Well she is amazing!

She pulled me out of a place so dark I couldn’t even see!

I love her to death.

I love you to death.

And I even think you love me, when I’m not forcing you to say it.

I shouldn’t have tried to make you love me.

I will never be the calm to her storm.

            I will never be the refuge she goes to.

And you will never write pages on how I am part of you.

I don’t think you think of me as part of you like she is.

Please understand me.

You have this right.

You are entitled to this closeness I cannot get close to.

It’s okay.

It seems that you have a connection that cannot be duplicated with another.

It seems that you two have something with each other that is untouchable, just as it should be.

You’ve known her longer. You’ve been through more with her.

She was part of you and now that she’s gone you feel lost.

You feel lost and I can’t guide you.

I’ve found that I need you but you can’t find me.

I am second to her.

You don’t need me.

You’ll leave me, if you haven’t already left.

And even now I’m second-guessing your meaning in those words.

Was it me they were meant for?

Were they addressed to another completely?

Were they meant for no one?

Yet, I’ve had this thought before.

She said that’s her.

I second-guessed their meaning and look where it got me.

Where have these hours gone?

There’s so much more to say . . .

I haven’t the time or strength to reveal anymore of my turmoil to you though.

Forgive the mistakes.

And remember that not a breath goes by that I do not question.

My life is art.

My life is the dark art created by the wounded soul.

My life is the art that people don’t want to buy because they already know how it will end.

My life is trying to make someone love me.

J