Fairies Don't Make Sense (And the World is Full of Fairies)

“When you stare ahead and darkness is all you see, only reason and determination can pull you back from the abyss.”

-Emily

Pretty great quote, right? Feeling inspired?

When I first heard this, so was I. And then I realized two things:

1. I can almost never see reason.

2. Determination from me is   damn  near  impossible.

Well shit. What happens to this little gem of a quote then? I can see the darkness—oh I’m in the fucking darkness—but I cannot find this “reason” and “determination” that claim to save me.

How does one see reason when nothing in this world makes sense?

Nothing.

Does it make sense that someone who looks so put together all the time goes absolute ape-shit by completely losing her mind over nothing? Does it make sense for a daughter to have to remind her father how to be a father? Does it make sense to be afraid to go to sleep so you don’t have to relive every event, every stupid decision you’ve ever made over and over and over again until you are screaming your lungs out for mercy? Does it make sense that the kindest, most beautiful and forgiving souls among us are to follow the fate of the ordinary? Does it make sense that the two people who claim to love each other more than anything are the two who fight the worst? Does it make sense to be unsure of everything you do? Does it make sense to question every movement, every sentence, every word, and every breath? Does it make sense that there’s cancer, war, floods, unhappy people, shitty cups of coffee, kitchen-loving ants, dirty clothes, unframed pictures, beds without headboards, germs, friends that aren’t aware of a friend’s deep-rooted fear of germs, traffic, empty gas tanks, empty stomachs, water-susceptible coats, malfunctioning car engines, sinus infections, chipped nail polish, mountains of homework, eating disorders, heavy backpacks, worn-out toothbrushes, last tissues, headaches, tears, awkwardness, jealousy, resentment, anger, ignorance, insecurity, revenge, worry, regret, gluttony, fear, misery, heartache, sorrow, desolation, dejection, grief, and the complete and utter lack of feeling anything at all?

And strangest, most baffling of all . . .

Does it make sense to want to stay in this darkness?

         To be consumed by that delicious darkness?

If you haven’t figured it out by now, the answer is

no.

It does not. make. sense.

And after considering all of these wonderful things in the world that make no sense at all, how on earth, pray tell, does one find the determination to pull oneself back from the abyss we’ve been warned about? Ooooooo! Is it my lucky day? Will a fairy princess come to sprinkle me with magic determination dust to jump-start me into action with a fresh pair of legs? Will a group of forest animals help me clean my apartment? Will I stumble upon a glass fucking slipper? Will I kiss a frog that will turn into a prince and save me from the world? Will I find a floating carpet that will carry me away?

No.

None of these.

My life is not a fucking fairytale. It’s the opposite of one.

The Huns will get me.

The Wolf will eat me.

The Beast will throw me out the window of the ballroom.

I’ll prick my finger on that damn spindle and go into a coma.

And this, my friends, is why I ask you now:

Where am I to find the determination in this world?

I’ve looked outside and inside, up and down, but I am lost.

I am just plain lost in the darkness.

Without a light.